CARD: MARCH 31, 2017
FADE IN: EXTERIOR – NIGHT
We are panning across the CEROS NATIONAL LABORATORY surrounded by chain link fence and lit only by security lights.
CUT TO: LAB INTERIOR
We see a pile of developers and QA lying on the ground, passed out, surrounded by empty beer bottles and glowing laptops.
MAN’S VOICE – O.S.
What happened here?
WOMAN’S VOICE – O.S.
The release. They deployed it.
My god. And what the hell is THAT?!
SMASH CUT TO:
That’s where they came from.
Where WHAT came from?
The release features.
The MAN and the WOMAN enter the frame. We pause briefly on their badges to get their names.
So…what exactly got released?
At first it was small things. A new default canvas size of 1280 by 720. A default animation duration of 0.8 and delay of 0. And a tooltip when you hover over a folder icon. We took care of those pretty easily. Some bugs, too, that we managed to kill. iOS orientation changes messing up embed sizes. Making the studio not slow to a crawl when there were large images or lots of shadows. And parity in text weight between the studio and the player.
And then there were… stranger things.
Like kerning. Fonts that had kerning information started being kerned in the studio and player.
Afraid not. But there was more. There were things we never expected to see. Analytics requests started going to a different URL and bypassed our ad blockers. A problem we had been dealing with forever, where if you changed a value in the inspector panel and then immediately clicked on a different object in the layers panel, your value wouldn’t be saved – that stopped happening.
CUT TO: Passed out devs
We were picking up all sorts of strange readings, too. Things we couldn’t see but that they –
Alla motions to the unconscious nerds
– swore were there. They said that they were getting data about how fast a migration to the latest version of “Elasticsearch” would take, whatever that means. And Thiago over there
(THIAGO is surrounded by scraps of various barbequed meats and half-empty caipirinhas)
claimed that the webapp had been put into a Docker container. Everyone seemed really excited about that one.
ABENT rubs his head in disbelief.
So that was it?
What do you mean “not quite”?
We uh. We went in.
We had to know! Progress can’t be stopped!
Okay. You went in. What did you find?
At first, it was hard to see anything. We spotted copy/pasting of groups, off in the distance. But it didn’t come near us. It’s like it was waiting for…something. The rest of its epic, maybe.
And then we realized…it was like everything was upside down.
You could – you’re going to think I’m crazy but I swear it’s true – you could target OBJECTS with INTERACTIONS. There was a whole new UI to the interactions panel. With SEARCH, even!
Okay look, you’ve obviously been through a lot, let’s just take it slow and –
Suddenly, the room turns red as lights and alarms start going off.
HARD CUT TO: CLOSEUP, ABENT AND ALLA, PANICKED
What’s going on?!
Oh no. Oh no no no no no.
Alla, tell me what is happe…WHAT IS THAT THING
CAMERA FOLLOWS IN A TRACKING SHOT AS ABENT AND ALLA SPRINT DOWN THE HALLWAY TOWARDS THE ELEVATOR
What did you find in there??
It’s…it’s custom uploaded fonts. We didn’t think we’d ever actually see them, we didn’t know! You can drag and drop your own fonts onto the font explorer now! And they work in exported experiences too! Shit, what have we done?!
They reach the elevator and start slamming the button on the control panel over and over.
Alla, I need you to tell me one thing. Do these…custom fonts….do they work with IMPORTED experiences?
The elevator door closes just before the CUSTOM FONTS monster reaches them. ABENT and ALLA are bent over with their hands on their knees, dumping adrenaline.
Well, at least there’s that.
In an instant, the light in the elevator goes out, and the sound of the metal roof being peeled back is heard, accompanied by a terrible shriek.
SMASH CUT TO: END CREDITS – CAT GIFS
Original screenplay by:
Alan – Ceros developer and expert of the upside-down
Abent – Head of Engineering
Alla – Product Manager
Thiago – DevOps Engineer